yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
