he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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