I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
