he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Drunk is not a location!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize