who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
