i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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