mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Also, beer. Big fan.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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