I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
