i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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