totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just gargled with NyQuil
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
