I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
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