Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
