goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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