totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
