Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
