I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
