I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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