The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
