Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
