she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
