I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
