my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
