How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
