My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
