i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
they need to just BURY HIM!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
