I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
