I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
