I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
