i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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