I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
