I got chris browned last night
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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