Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize