I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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