I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I want to be your penis for a week.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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