Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize