You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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