You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
