I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
