I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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