i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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