the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
