I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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