Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
