I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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