I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
