i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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