i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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