I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
