My sheets look like a crime scene.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
