Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
