she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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