I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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