i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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