Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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